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Missing swimming

Today I went to the pools, like I usually do. The lane availability on the website said the outdoor pool would have six lanes available, and I’m usually okay with sharing with someone else if necessary. I know there is usually squad swimming in the evenings, as well as an aquaerobics class on occasion.

But this evening I got to the outdoor pool and there was a cavalcade of people. Squad had their usual four lanes, but in the remaining ones there was a triathlon club as well as the members of the public and the group of 15 or so people waiting to do the aqua class. The triathlon club had around six or seven swimmers in each lane, the water was in constant motion and there seemed to be a nonstop barrage of noise.

I freaked out a little bit. I sat to the side of the pool waiting for 7pm, thinking that perhaps the other swimmers would be done then and the pool would settle down. It did not. If anything, it got louder and more crowded as the stereo blared for the start of the aqua class. The lifeguards took down the signs for two of the general swimming lanes to add more reserved signs, as well as closing another two for the aqua class.  There were people finishing up their swims, which I was almost hopeful at, but for each triathlete that emerged from the water another two clustered around those reserved signs seemingly waiting their turn.

I panicked.

I did something I have never done before but that felt like the only option left for me. I left the pool, walked back out to my car and drove back home. On my way I did check the smaller, 25m indoor pool to see how crowded that was. But at that moment in time I think the entire pool could have been empty and I still would have walked away. I go swimming for the fitness aspect, yes, but for me it means so much more to my overall mental health and state of mind. When I am swimming the outside world becomes a blur and I am able to slow down my overthinking brain and just breathe. Literally. I hadn’t swam for over a week because of having been a bit sunburned the last time I went, and mentally I knew that I was overdue; brain all jumbled up, becoming very reactionary and impulsive and just on edge.  Seeing the place that is supposed to be my oasis in such turmoil and with so many people put me into almost a blind panic as I walked back to my car.

Yesterday was an overload for me too so I had been looking forward to a swim to put me in a better frame of mind. I went to my first music festival with a friend. I was very apprehensive in the days (hours and minutes really) leading up to it, not at all keen on spending ten hours on a 30 degree day being jostled around by tens of thousands of strangers while straining to see and listen to musicians that I barely knew. But I went, because my friend really wanted to go and I know that sometimes I say no to things before trying them because I am nervous about new experiences, which this definitely was. The day started out fine, the smaller stage was actually really fun and the crowds were far less for the first few hours. Then we went to the main arena.

At first we stayed in the stands (the stone steps at Fremantle Oval) which were weirdly comforting to me because of all the time I have spent there watching the footy. It was an ideal perch to watch both main stages from, and watch the masses of people congregating and bouncing around without having to directly be a part of it. Even watching the bands from the steps was getting a bit much for me though. The bass of the bands and artists was just going right through me and made me feel like my heart was about to burst out of me. I have never (probably never again) been more grateful to Liam Gallagher and the complete lack of bass and treble and all that modern music junk. But then Liam was winding up and the next act was the band my friend had wanted to come to the festival for, and she wanted to go further in to be where all the other people were so she could dance to this band. Perfectly reasonable, right? The further and further in we walked (or really crushed) into the crowd, the more and more I knew that this was the last place in the world I wanted to be in that exact moment. I in fact sent that as an exact message to a couple of friends. It definitely didn’t help that we had been in the sun all day, I had been drinking without eating any food and it was around hour seven of the day. But I was completely miserable while trying not to look so for the sake of my friend. Even when Liam Gallagher finished off his set with Wonderwall and the entirety of the festival sang along in what I’m sure was supposed to be a special moment, all I could manage was token singing along while my eyes darted around and my heart raced.

My friend’s band started and there was a surge of people going the ten metres from one stage to the next, it felt like I had somehow landed on the freeway and there were cars speeding past me while I tried to cross the road in slow motion. There was no way I was about to ruin my friend’s evening with my neuroses though, so I did bob along to the music while wincing and flinching at each shove and bump I felt. As the band played their more well known songs, my friend wanted us to go further in to the actual stage part. I went along with it, because again I wasn’t about to spoil her day, but by then I felt like I was just in a blind panic. I wanted to get out, I was counting down the minutes until the band’s set was up so I could start to hope that it was time to go home. The second my friend said we should go back out (because the band were on their last song) I practically ran back to those stone steps. My friend was going to stay until the end with her cousin, because they had to go home together, so she said I could feel free to leave whenever I wanted. I lasted maybe five minutes before practically skipping to the exit.

I know that realistically I could have leave whenever I wanted to, and my friend certainly isn’t the type to have made me stay or made me feel guilty about leaving. But I’m such a massive people pleaser that I wouldn’t dream of getting in the way of something that one of my friends really wanted to do. She was back in town for the holidays from Melbourne and early on when I asked her what she wanted to do while she was here she said she wanted to go to this festival to see this band, so of course I bought a ticket with her. I figured that I hadn’t been to a festival before so why not, and I’m sure it won’t be as bad as most festivals have appeared to be. And pragmatically it wasn’t a terrible day, I did really enjoy the Valley stage and a few of the bands there.

But then this evening at the pool. I had spent all day at home alone with the intentions of recovery only to emerge to another populous display of humanity. It was too much. I left the pool after sending a snapchat to a friend, and got home ten minutes late. I then came out of the car a whole half an hour later.

Sitting in the car I felt so overwhelmed. Not crying (for once in my life, I know nobody will believe this but it’s true) but just with a rush of something just on edge. My cat was meowing as he always does when I get home. I tried to calm myself down.

I closed my eyes for a moment remembered that I was in a closed garage in a car so wondered about carbon monoxide and then thought about that scene in Sabrina where she starts all the cars in the garage and closes the door because she is so miserable but then remembered that the car was not running so figured that would be okay but then checked my phone and wondered why my friend hadn’t replied to me it had been about twenty minutes by now so I checked snapchat to see and then I looked at another unrelated story about people being so extra and wondered am I being extra with my freaking out about people but then figured that no it was really a lot of people yesterday and today and then my ears started ringing really loudly and it sounded just like the bass and noise yesterday so I worried a lot about that and realised that my ears hadn’t been ringing all day only in that moment so I was really panicking and so I closed my eyes again to try to calm myself down and I must have fallen asleep.

I opened my eyes a good forty minutes after I parked in the garage. Very heavy lidded, like I could have slept in the car for another few hours. I wanted to swim today. I needed to swim today. It’s been an hour and 1700 words since I got out of the car and I have been writing nonstop since then. I do feel calmer having gotten this all out of my head. But I still need to swim.

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Peppermint and Lime Tea: Venting

I am not someone who can drink coffee or tea straight after it is poured – I prefer to wait until it is of a drinkable heat, and a very dark colour. This evening I thought I would try a new tea – Peppermint and Lime from Twinings, my go to tea brand. So while my tea is cooling and I eat my dinner (a laughable attempt at being healthy after a day of not – fish and vegetables) I thought I would write a bit, mostly to vent.

Today at work I volunteered to go over a section of curriculum, only to have one of my (much older) colleagues say that someone else should go over it, not me. I’m at the point in my career where I know I am good at what I do and I am confident in it, and I want something to be responsible for – a program, project, assignment. So to hear that from a colleague was very disappointing, not just because I wanted the task, but because it was just another example of how unsupportive that particular department is (I work in two, luckily). Because I teach in two learning areas I often have to divide time up with staff meetings. Some of the staff in one of those areas are not happy with me and another teacher because we teach in two areas and so the assumption is that we can’t fully put our attentions to one or the other. In actual fact me and my friend overcompensate in both subjects – teaching after school classes, writing assessments, collaborating and sharing resources with everyone – while the teachers complaining about us are the “clock in, clock out” types nearing the end of their careers. So it is frustrating to have other people thinking (and telling your boss!!??) that you are not pulling your weight. Especially when it is so abundantly clear that the opposite is true.

I have been listening to some podcasts this week however, one of them Truth for Teachers, and the biggest thing I have gotten from it so far is not to waste time worrying about things I have no control over. So while it is frustrating not to be getting support from colleagues in that department, I can’t do anything about their thoughts and feelings so why waste time worrying about them? I am a good teacher, and I don’t need their validation to remind myself.

Tea is ready! Tea tastes….Surprisingly good. I’m not usually a big peppermint fan but I’m trying to get to sleep soon so trying it out. Hope you remember not to sweat the small things, or worry about other people’s problems!

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Thursdays

Thursday?! It can’t be! It’s too gruesome!

I have been having an awfully hectic kind of day, and then remembered this from my dear Holly. I think I like the idea of Thursdays being gruesome, but mostly because it is giving me only one day a week on which to have a whinge. I tend to over-whinge, so it’d be good for me to limit myself. Although I suppose I should really go the other way, give myself something to be grateful for in the face of a gruesome day. Yes, that’s probably wiser.

SO today, even though it has been particularly gruesome, at least I have this face to come home to:

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Meet Atticus. 

 

This one: img_0213

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He does make me smile!

Hope your Thursday is not too gruesome!

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Life Update Time! (Taking Stock Jan 2016)

Life update time! I head back to work next week which I find myself kind of dreading. But I have had a great summer (non-relationship-wise) and I’m ready to take on some new challenges.

 

Cooking: A lot lately as I (again) attempt to change my eating habits. I find that I struggle to enjoy cooking for myself, but I adore cooking for other people! Below are the last two breakfasts I made for my housemate, very proud of them if I do say so myself!

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Drinking: Water from an old Mount Franklin bottle. Is that whole “don’t reuse bottle water bottles” thing still a thing??

Reading: Wonder Woman: The Twelve Labours. Side note: How bad ass does Gal Godot look in the Batman vs Superman trailer?!

Wanting: so many, many things. Let’s go with motivation for now..

Looking: at the old Casablanca poster above my desk, finally hung up!

Playing: that Covet fashion game (I’m pretending it’s helping me be more fashionable!), Pandemic and Ticket To Ride . I am OBSESSED with Tabletop at the moment!

Deciding: if I want to go run myself a cold bath. It is SO HOT that sometimes I do that first thing in the morning, just sit in the bath to cool down. The cat has started sleeping in the bathroom (apparently over his previous bath trauma) which goes to show, evaporative airconditioning= NOPE!

Wishing: that my housemate was not moving out in two months, or that he asks me to move in with him (HA!) or that he just gives me a really nice birthday before he moves.

Enjoying: that the cat and I have gotten into a perfect routine this holidays. And that I know all his facial expressions and postures, and he does what I want (finally!) at one word, AND that there has been no inside pooing. Victory!

Waiting : for my younger housemate to come home, so I can tease him about his lady dramas.

Liking: the new organisation of my desk. I cleaned it up nicely yesterday to give me a good workspace. Naturally the rest of my room remains less organised!

Wondering: if I can pull myself together enough to clean up the rest of my room. I-think-i-can i-think-i-can i-think-i-can….

Loving: My boo.

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Pondering: waking up early tomorrow to try get into my school routine. ORRR do I sleep in as it is one of my last holiday days?

Watching: The Office (US) S05 E09 The Surplus. About to head into an Agents of SHIELD catch up too.

Hoping: a fairy comes and waves their wand over me and makes me look like I did four years ago. #fatty #badday

Marvelling: at other people’s abilities to be hella into their fitness and health. Very, very envious.

Needing: To find some motivation.

Smelling: the bowl of frangipanis on my desk from my trees in the backyard. Another reason I wanna stay in this house!!

Wearing: pink singlet, green undies, black shorts. And I’m only wearing the shorts because my housemate is due home soon!

Following: Ashy Bines on Instagram and Snapchat. She’s annoyingly perfect looking, and yet so accessible and down to earth about herself and her ups and down.

Knowing: I need to do some more planning and reading for school. My first year teaching HASS (Humanities and Social Studies) so I’ve got a lot to catch up on!

Thinking:  that I want to go on a cruise this year. My Hawaiian trip was cancelled as my aunty changed the cruise we were all going on from one in the school holidays to one during the term! Sad that I can’t go with my family, but the cruise they are now going on is far better value. BUT I do still want to go on a holiday this year sometime.

Feeling: like the weather has cooled down a bit and the air con is actually working properly!

Admiring: friends that are changing their lives and making better choices than me.

Sorting: out my possessions into keep, give away, throw away piles. Biting the bullet, organising, cleaning, the whole thing.

Buying: Too many books that I do not have time to read. It’s a sickness!!

Bookmarking: ideas and things I want to buy for school. I do love me some stationary and resources!

Disliking: that I still get itchy eyes and hayfever from the cat (and all the cat hair and dust in my room!).

Opening: my iTunes to find that all my music has disappeared. Joy.

Giggling: at a photo frame I found this morning with an odd brand name (inside joke hehehe)

Snacking: On nothing at the moment!! Trying to kick the habit and eat regularly enough that snacking doesn’t happen.

Coveting: a house. a car, a boy, a holiday, a size 10 body.

Wishing: to have the resolve and commitment to stick to my plans to change habits, even when I am feeling conflicted and down.

Helping: myself by deciding not to go to the shops to buy dinner and snacks.

Hearing: my text tone go off as my housemate asks me to let him in. The silly boy left his keys at work, so all weekend he has been pestering me to see when I am at home.

Hope you have all had a great start to the new year! Any motivation suggestion slay it on me, I suck balls at motivating myself!

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Top Ten All Time Favourites (of the last couple of years)

toptentuesday

Top Ten Tuesday is brought to you by the lovely folks at The Broke and the Bookish. Long time in between drinks for me, but as I find myself with a spare couple of minutes (read: I am procrastinating a giant pile of marking) I thought I would dip my toe back into the list pool!

I am choosing to do this list on books that I have read (for the first time) in the last 3-5 years, not necessarily books that have only come out in that period. Meaning that if I wanted to, I could include Madame Bovary as I read that only a couple of years ago.

Continue reading Top Ten All Time Favourites (of the last couple of years)

Top Ten Books That Should Be Movies

toptentuesday

Top Ten Tuesday is a meme brought to  you by The Broke and the Bookish, which I endeavour to participate in regularly!

In my last week of summer holidays before going to work at a new school, i have been catching up on books, TV shows and movies that I have missed throughout the year. A lot of these movies in particular have been very much not worth the wait, or adaptations of much loved books that have not had that same level of love translated into their big screen outings. So for this week’s top ten, I thought I’d go with books that should be adapted (but only if they are done so exquisitely).

 

Continue reading Top Ten Books That Should Be Movies

Top Ten 2014 Releases I Meant To Read But Didn’t Get To

toptentuesday

Top Ten Tuesday is a meme brought to  you by The Broke and the Bookish, which I endeavour to participate in regularly!

This week’s list is releases of 2014 that I haven’t gotten around to reading yet. I tend to re-read a lot during the year, so I usually miss the big releases each year. Case in point, it took me years to read the Stieg Larsson books, not to mention the Twilight series AND I am yet to read a single sentence of John Green (though, to be perfectly honest, I don’t ever see myself reading anything by him!). So without further ado, here are ten books from last year (still feels weird saying that!) that I meant to read but never got around to!

 

Continue reading Top Ten 2014 Releases I Meant To Read But Didn’t Get To

Top Ten Most Anticipated (but not necessarily debut) Novels

toptentuesday

I decided I would adjust this week’s The Broke and the Bookish Top Ten Tuesday topic from most anticipated debut novel to most anticipated overall. I am a big series reader, mostly YA, fantasy and mystery/crime, though I am attempting to broaden my horizons this year. So without further ado, these are the ten books that I am so looking forward to this year that I will actually buy a physical copy of it!

I have this thing where if I truly love a book/movie/album, I will buy an actually copy of it as opposed to buying it online/ebooking or downloading it using… “itunes.” Lately this has included The Monogram Murders, Gone Girl, Firefly, Star Wars on bluray and The OC.
Continue reading Top Ten Most Anticipated (but not necessarily debut) Novels

Top Ten Book Goals/Resolutions For 2015

toptentuesday

After some time off from writing (part laziness part busy-ness) I feel like this week’s The Broke and the Bookish Top Ten Tuesday topic of book resolutions fits well with a renewed commitment to my reading/writing.  I am someone who makes a lot of promises/goals and resolutions to myself (I’m currently deciding what I want my reading goal for 2015 to be, its either going to be 150 books or working my way through the Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge) that I have trouble keeping. However I am hoping that this little list is one that I can stick to! Continue reading Top Ten Book Goals/Resolutions For 2015

Taking Stock 03

A little overdue with the blog posts since starting my new job, but somehow since starting work I have also moved out of home! Finally felling settled though, so I thought I would put an end to my inadvertent blog hiatus. I’m currently living way south of the river, far away from practically everything, but on the other hand i’m also living with the one person I never thought I’d every live with. A good state of mind for me to be taking stock of, and really interesting to compare to my previous ones also!


Cooking
: up a plan for my lessons for the week.

Drinking: Water out of my pink Smash bottle.

Reading: Harley Quinn comics (the original series). Yesterday I read The Lovely Bones, it was… strange. 

Wanting: Summer, a single digit sized body, a house of my own.

Looking: at my legs, which are still in full winter mode (this consists of less moisturiser than usual, and a healthy layer of leg hair from wearing stockings. I’m so attractive, I know)

Playing: Prison Architect and The Sims. Though I am trying to limit this because it eats up hours at a time before I realise it. 

Deciding: on what route to take to be able to travel from Atwell to Success to Carrington St to Willetton with minimal petrol wastage. A pipe dream, I know.

Wishing: for boy.

Enjoying: having money to be able to actually do things for once. 

Waiting: for inspiration to hit in the form of  my lesson plans. Years 9 and 11 are easy, year 10 is a massive bitch.

Liking: hearing my cat’s footsteps on the floor, and meowing to be let in. He’s adorable

He sleeps on anything that I’ve ever touched, worn or slept on. I’m beginning to turn in to a cat lady, after six weeks ♥

Wondering: if I should let Tom in, because he has pooped on my bed before. He’s a douche, as well as adorable.

Loving: that my cat loves me, and my housemate buys me lunches/dinners that are both healthy and yummy.

Pondering: if I have enough time to watch the rest of House of Cards this weekend.

Considering: leaving for Dad’s early to cruise by JB Hi Fi.

Watching: Jimmy Pesto Jr and Tina Belcher put together a magic act.

Hoping: that things go back to normal with boy soon.

Marvelling: at my hair’s ability to frizz up purely from the dryer running in the next room.

Needing: oh so many things, of many different ratings. 

Smelling: seasame bagels

Wearing: navy blue and white striped dress that looks very “Britain-y” according to one of my colleagues, and panda slippers.

Following: the exploits of Tina, Gene and Louise Belcher.

Noticing: My desk needs a good dusting, and I have yet to brush my teeth today.

Knowing: I need to get my stuff together and sort out a personal timetable for work and other stuff, and plan lessons.

Thinking: about boy, Doctor Who, Robin Hood, idiot brother, lesson planning.

Feeling: lonely, and weird. 

Admiring: Tina Belcher. She knows who she is, and makes no apologies for it. And she likes boys’ butts. 

Sorting: out my huge amount of crap, though i really cannot be bothered with it. 

Buying: household items and Harley Quinn comic on the DC Comics app

Getting: ready to go see my dad for father’s day.

Bookmarking: The Outsiders debate lesson plans

Disliking: having not enough hours in the day, current living circumstances and it’s weirdness, current physique.

Opening: my step dad’s father’s day present to take to him ♥

Giggling: at my/boy’s cat.

Feeling: tired, almost all the time. and a little lonely, 

Snacking: on almost nothing nowadays. Though this is mostly because I had a nightmare of boy/housemate finding snack stashes in my room and them kicking me out of the house..

Coveting: A JLo body. Any day now.

Wishing: for things to go back to normal with boy and I

Helping: not much this week, to be perfectly honest. I did make brownies yesterday, which my brother enjoyed.

Hearing: my friend bleaching something in the laundry.

 

Hope you’re all thinking of the fathers in your life!
Love, 
Andrea