Today is the official start of my one week off this year, between the end of my internship and the start of my last semester (hopefully!) of university. A lot of the other grad dips in my class have already got jobs lined up for next year, including my friend who was on her internship with me at out prac school. I’m trying hard not to but I can feel myself getting jealous an anxious. I’ve applied for two jobs so far and was unsuccessful with the first, and it just brought back waves and waves of anxiety from my last big job application phase.
The reason I decided to change life course and head into teaching was partly due to not having any luck finding a job with my first degree. Apparently people are looking for experienced journalists but are unable to let you get that experience by hiring you in the first place! After I finished my journalism degree in late 2011 I started looking for “grown up” work and then again after I parted ways with my part time job in February of last year, I went on a major hunt for anything media/journalism/public relations that I could find while still doing my once a week writing for the WAFL. If I were to put together a portfolio of all my work (six years worth) with the WAFL/Community Football I’d have at least 144 pieces of writing, which to me sounds like ample experience! But despite my footy work, I went through application after application, selection criteria after selection criteria, searching and searching and getting “unfortunately you were not successful” letters and emails by the bucketload. It was a very long year and a half.
I got close on a few things, and allowed my imagination to run away and invent crazy successful life adventures for myself, which all came crashing down on a weekly basis. My self-esteem took regular major hits and I coped with it in the unhealthiest of ways, the old fashioned comfort eat, retreating further and further into myself until I barely recognised who I was. There are still people in my life who knew me both then and now who don’t think I have the capacity to change who I am, that I’m always going to make the same choices and that I “am who I am.” I want to knee those people so hard in the groin. However a part of me knows that they’re feeding into that anxiety I have that maybe they’re right, maybe as hard as I try I am always going to just be who I am, someone who is all talk and no action, hiding away from everybody and everything to keep from being hurt.
As I start job hunting in a different field now, all those old fears and anxieties have come rushing back and it’s a real struggle trying not to give in to them and persevere instead. My current home situation is a challenge in itself, and while I feel I’ve done well in dealing with that, I’m scared that having to face these applications and rejections on top of all of it is just going to break me. And I really don’t want to have to face that by myself.