I know this feeling might not last long so I thought I’d write about it sooner rather than later so I can always remember how I felt right at this second.
I can’t remember being this happy so consistently before. I know that it’s dumb and probably not very feminist of me to admit that it has to predominantly do with a boy (or really a man, I’m 23 now they’re not boys anymore), but so what? I’m feeling blissfully happy and the origin of it shouldn’t matter so much as the intensity of the feeling.
Uni is going good – I say good and not great because of the assignment I got back that was a distinction and not a high distinction- though I do think I will probably have a bit of a reality check once I head into a classroom for the first time. Today I finally found out which school I was going to, an all-girls school about half an hour away from where I live which I hear good things about. As a prospective English/media/religion teacher, and considering the area in which I live, I was expecting one of the three catholic schools closer to me, but I think in a way I’ll benefit from an all-girls school. It’s no secret that I’m probably on the immature side when it comes to certain thing, so I’ve never really worried about my abilities to relate to students. On the contrary, I’ve mostly worried that I wouldn’t be able to assert a sense of authority and control over a class because of how young I am both actually and emotionally/maturity-wise. I head out in just over two weeks which I am both excited and terrified by!
Then there’s me actually feeling attractive for a change (and yes, this also has to do with a man and his opinion on me which I’m not ashamed of saying made me feel better about myself). When I started getting properly, properly serious about myself and my fitness I started taking measurements (been told it’s a better indicator of weight/fat loss). The first month (December) I was pretty vigilant with measuring every week, but as the new year rolled in my self-reporting became more sporadic. My weight has fluctuated up and down to the point where I stopped weighing myself every day and just concentrated on how I was feeling, fitting into clothes better, running longer, feeling and looking bright and healthy almost. The last time I measured myself was mid-February. Until yesterday. Yesterday (and I don’t even know if this is as big a deal as I’m making it, but screw it I think it is!) I noticed that one of my “hot” dresses was a little loose on me. Partially ecstatic I pulled out the measuring tape and lo and behold, was in for a surprise. In total (from five different areas) I have now lost 45cms! I am hugely pleased and proud of that! A lot of the time it has been hard for me to quantify what I was doing but (and though I know how I feel is more important health wise) it is relieving now to be able to see results! Again I don’t know if it’s a lot or if I’m just making a bigger deal out of it than it is but so what? I’m feeling pretty friggin’ awesome!
I’m realising as long as I keep putting myself first when I need to, stop worrying about the things I can’t change and take action with the things that I can, that I can be happy. I used to be able to get myself into little misery ruts really easily, just letting every insignificant little thing get to me, when really I shouldn’t have been worrying myself with any of it, wallowing and eating my feelings, keeping them bottled up until I vented all over people who didn’t deserve to be hearing all my whining and whinging. The fact is I’m young, smart, relatively okay looking, and have the world at my feet; there’s no reason why I shouldn’t always feel like this. There are other reasons for my happiness, ones that I prefer to keep to myself, but I’m just ecstatic at how ecstatic and enthusiastic I am feeling right now. I haven’t been able to wipe the smile off my face in days and I’m quite happy for it, and the reasons it is there, to stay put indefinitely!
This is everything else I am feeling right now:
And I quite literally can’t sleep right now either, despite the fact I probably need to be up in seven or so hours. Happy day before the day before my birthday to you!